FORMER WOMEN OF CHOICE

The Grief Process - When we lose someone who is meaningful to us through death, divorce, separation, or abortion, we grieve the loss.  Words to describe grief might include distress, sorrow, painful regret, deep despair or remorse, or bereavement.

Grief is an emotional feeling which needs expression, not repression, and helps us deal with the loss or losses involved.  Especially when something is lost that cannot be replaced.  It is gone forever - and we respond to the loss physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

Healthy grieving helps us to identify and deal with our losses, permitting us to go on with our lives.  Unhealthy grieving or thwarted grieving, keeps us bound to the pain and wounds, unable to function in a healthy lifestyle with positive relationship. 


The woman who has had an abortion may have an especially difficult time expressing her grief due to many factors, several which are listed below.

1.  No external evidence remains that a baby ever existed, so there is no proof she was even pregnant.  Her baby exists only in her own heart and mind.  It may seen unreal, that it never happened.  It can be a secret which she does not acknowledge except when triggered by an incident which reminds her of the abortion or of the baby she never had.

2.  There is no formal leave-taking or ritual of closure for the mother where friends and family could acknowledge her grief and loss and share her pain.  No funeral, no burial, no sympathy cards, no flowers, no acts of kindness. 

3.  The woman is isolated and alone - and does not have permission to grieve for herself and her lost child.  No support system exists to help her deal with her feelings, emotions, and losses.  The abortion may be legal, but socially she is not entitled to openly grieve.  She suffers her pain secretly, or, if questioned by others, acts as if everything is okay, even though it may not be.  She wants it over and for the pain to go away.

4.  The woman may carry deep guilt about terminating her baby's life and not allowing it to be born.  Many women feel a great sense of self hatred, cannot forgive themselves, and continually punish themselves by overeating, drugs, overwork, destructive or abusive relationships, etc.  Avoidance techniques help her to cope with life, as well as other defense mechanisms.

5.  The woman may be pushed futher into denial if she senses disapproval, anger, humiliation, or rejection from others with whom she thought she could trust and had shared her experience.  A woman may remain in a state of denial for years and avoid the grieving process because it is too painful, keeping her secret and isolating herself from others. 

6.  Peer and professional counselors may assist her acknowledge and process her grief by assisting her with issues of loss, however, other caregivers might not see termination of pregnancy as a grief issue and are not prepared to deal with her losses.  To them it's not an issue - she chose the abortion of her free will.

7.  Abortion providers give little, if any, education or information to prepare the woman for the tremendous sense of loss they may experience following the abortion.  Usually the initial response is one of relief, she is no longer pregnant, however, she is then left to deal with a whole new set of issues.


Although painful, a funeral allows family and friends to grieve the loss and share the pain in a healthy manner which involves a process.  Abortion gives the woman, family, and friends so such instrument, even the ommission of the pregnancy, leaving it a secret, an embarrassment, and a silent dealth of the baby. There are no sympathy cards, flowers, or acts of caring and kindness.  It is an abrupt ending, with no closure, when abortion ends a life.

1.  DENIAL  "No, not me."  The woman does not talk about the abortion or her feelings.  Denial protects her from the reality and trauma of the abortion and she may become stuck in feeling ambivalent over whether or not she has any losses to grieve.  She may even deny the abortion and forget it even happened.  Alcohol or drug abuse may cover the emotional pain.  The woman avoids media, events, and personal discussions about birth, death, life, and children and is unable to grieve other forms of separation and losses.  She denies owning any grief or feelings related to the death of her baby and refuses to see any connection of other problems in her life and their relationship to the abortion.  Frequently there are damaged relationships with others as she continues to avoid anything to do with babies, pregnant women, and fertility.

2.  ANGER    "Why me?"  The woman who had an abortion may begin to break out of the denial stage when she begins to define exactly what happened on the abortion table and what it was that was aborted.  She realized it was a baby, more specifically, her baby, and it is gone.  Her baby died.  She is the mother of a dead child.  This is very painful and a number of defense mechanisms often arise to avoid this confrontation of the truth to help her cope.  She may experience anger and outbursts of emotional rage towards others who were involved in the abortion event as she begins to define her loss.  She may direct her anger at men in general, the abortion doctor, her spouse, children or anyone who she might be around.  The woman may also experience physical symptoms such as pain in the abdominal area, headaches, tension, loss of tolerance, irritability, a rigid personality, a need to control situations, compulsive behaviors, or relationship problems.  She is often looking for a place to direct her anger.

3.  BARGAINING   "I won't do it again if you promise to take the pain away.  I'll work hard to make up for it, then I won't feel anything.  I'll do special things for others."  Bargaining expresses both grief and guilt.  Consciously or unconsciously, she tries to restore her loss by replacing it, such as becoming pregnant again.  When this occurs she frequently recycles the process and increases her strategies of denial and repression.  In an effort to make up for the loss by the abortion without admitting to it, she may often try to live up to unrealistic standards regarding her mothering role or her expectations for her other children, or may pursue the career or educational goals for which she had the abortion.  Another form of bargaining may occur when she tries to negate her loss by joining either the pro-life or the pro-abortion movement or actions.  Bargaining might also occur in a change in her philosophy of life, a restructing of her value system, or gaining an amvivalence or ambiguity related to life.

4.  DEPRESSION   "It's over and there is nothing I can do to change what happened."  Depression often follows an abortion.  The woman may direct her anger inward towards herself for various reasons and spins a web of self-condemnation and self-pity.  Depression may also result from sorrow and grief.  She focuses on herself and her losses.  She is plagued by loneliness and despair.  She may not even be able to identify the source of her depression and may entertain suicidal thoughts and actions, social isolation, and a deterioration of her concern for her physicial, social, spiritual, and emotional well being.  The many painful feelings may be addressed in the confines of a safe and secure environment such as a support counseling group with others who can identify with her pain, where there is hope to be free once again to enjoy her life as fully as possible.

5.  ACCEPTANCE/RESOLUTION   "I cannot change what happened, but I can deal with it now."  The woman is able to define exactly what it is she lost from her abortion experience and accepts the fact that the child, her baby, is gone.  It cannot be replaced.  Acceptance of the loss is difficult and takes much energy, but becomes easier over the passage of time with healthy grieving experiences.  She is able to express her emotions in grief and no longer feels consumed by them.  She has resolved that the baby is gone and may hope to one day be reunited with her child in heaven and look forward to the reunion.  She has learned to forgive herself and others and taken responsibility for her actions.  Relationships are healed as the woman herself finds healing and joy in life again.  She may find some spiitual awakening in her life as she deals with what happened to her child.  She begins to lead a healthy, wholesome, and more balanced life.